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Ode to Chronic Pain & Anxiety

I cannot tell you what it is

To wake one day and find,

Pain in both your knees

That’s of a sharpish, throbbing kind.

Nor can I impart to you

The feeling it creates,

When three years pass and nothing’s changed,

Each morn, the pain awaits.

Yet still, perhaps by sharing this,

Some insights you might gain,

So listen and I’ll grace you with

The story of my pain.

The pain is not the issue,

That’s not really my concern,

It’s the havoc that I watch it wreak,

The life I watch it burn.

Every single waiting room

An LED-filled tomb,

Every couple minutes,

A sharp voice behind me booms.

Another soul is beckoned

To a papered bed to sit,

To await divining of her fate

From Dr. Full-of-Shit.

Also, there’s the twenty-thousand

Dollars that I’ve spent,

On meds that (for the record)

Never really made a dent.

Some nights I stay up late and

Look a long time at the stars,

There’s Jupiter and Venus

There’s the Dipper and there’s Mars,

I think that maybe God

Is smiling, putting me to test,

The thinness of my sanity

By keeping me from rest.

I’ve tried my best, for years,

To keep a smile on my face,

By writing more, then drawing more,

If I can’t run and race.

I think that maybe it’s a lesson

That I’m meant to be,

A famous author, painter -

Maybe making art’s the key!

But then the pain crawls to my hands

And it glows red and hot,

I cower in my bed and soon

It’s full of tears and snot.

Oh God, what is your lesson here??

For all I’m trying to do,

Is live a life the best I can,

To do what I should do.

And then one day I reach a point

Where not one thing can soothe

My aching heart and legs and arms,

I’m in my deepest blues.

I think I’d rather not be here

For all the things I’ve tried

Have led me time and time again

To fail and not to thrive.

But then - what’s this? - A spark of something

Buried deep inside,

My loved ones light inside of me,

A reason to survive.

‘Cause even if the pain remains

And doesn’t change a bit,

How much I can still love and feel and

Try and fail and shit!

So here’s to all my friends in pain

Who can’t believe their lot,

Who mourn what they have lost,

Who’ve fought and fought and fought,

I know at times your mind goes down

Some real dark rabbitholes,

But you are love, and you are loved,

And you are not alone.

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