I cannot tell you what it is
To wake one day and find,
Pain in both your knees
That’s of a sharpish, throbbing kind.
Nor can I impart to you
The feeling it creates,
When three years pass and nothing’s changed,
Each morn, the pain awaits.
Yet still, perhaps by sharing this,
Some insights you might gain,
So listen and I’ll grace you with
The story of my pain.
The pain is not the issue,
That’s not really my concern,
It’s the havoc that I watch it wreak,
The life I watch it burn.
Every single waiting room
An LED-filled tomb,
Every couple minutes,
A sharp voice behind me booms.
Another soul is beckoned
To a papered bed to sit,
To await divining of her fate
From Dr. Full-of-Shit.
Also, there’s the twenty-thousand
Dollars that I’ve spent,
On meds that (for the record)
Never really made a dent.
Some nights I stay up late and
Look a long time at the stars,
There’s Jupiter and Venus
There’s the Dipper and there’s Mars,
I think that maybe God
Is smiling, putting me to test,
The thinness of my sanity
By keeping me from rest.
I’ve tried my best, for years,
To keep a smile on my face,
By writing more, then drawing more,
If I can’t run and race.
I think that maybe it’s a lesson
That I’m meant to be,
A famous author, painter -
Maybe making art’s the key!
But then the pain crawls to my hands
And it glows red and hot,
I cower in my bed and soon
It’s full of tears and snot.
Oh God, what is your lesson here??
For all I’m trying to do,
Is live a life the best I can,
To do what I should do.
And then one day I reach a point
Where not one thing can soothe
My aching heart and legs and arms,
I’m in my deepest blues.
I think I’d rather not be here
For all the things I’ve tried
Have led me time and time again
To fail and not to thrive.
But then - what’s this? - A spark of something
Buried deep inside,
My loved ones light inside of me,
A reason to survive.
‘Cause even if the pain remains
And doesn’t change a bit,
How much I can still love and feel and
Try and fail and shit!
So here’s to all my friends in pain
Who can’t believe their lot,
Who mourn what they have lost,
Who’ve fought and fought and fought,
I know at times your mind goes down
Some real dark rabbitholes,
But you are love, and you are loved,
And you are not alone.
